When did buying a grill become such an adventure? The 4th of July was here, we invited family and friends over for a barbecue, and then the realization hit: I need buy a grill. Memories of standing around a small metal grill, throwing in some charcoal and lighter fluid with a match to get things going, are gone. Apparently, this is the century of heavy steel, mega burners, and vast tool kits containing barbecue accessories, and the source of the cooking itself -- propane.
What a shock for me, when I walked into the store and saw rows of grills that seemed to have every feature available and a language of their own. There were grills that were so big they had storage cabinets underneath which, to this day, I can’t figure out if they include a guy who lives underneath the grill and pops out when you’re ready to eat. As expensive as many were, that didn’t seem that far-fetched.
Luckily for me, they have guys at these stores who can provide all the necessary (or, useless) advice I need to select a grill. “I see you’re looking at the Burger Pro 2000. Nice, but it’s only got 22,000 BTUs. You might want to consider this beauty over here – four burners and 46,000 BTUs.”
First of all, I didn’t know if BTUs referred to the grill’s cooking capacity or if it was just an elaborate inside joke developed by the employees to fool amateur grillers who haplessly ventured into their store. I mean, what are people cooking these days, anyway? I was planning on hotdogs and hamburgers, not dinosaurs. Why would I need so many BTUs?
After buying the grill, a sense of relief washed over me until I realized step two was putting the thing together. Now, I’ve put lots of things together in my life – poorly, of course, and usually with leftover pieces and bolts falling out after I’m done. But inept construction doesn’t matter much when assembling a desk or a chair. The stakes are a lot higher when a propane tank is involved.
Opening the manual itself was a daunting task – nine pages of warnings and threats, which I read and re-read, before concluding there was no way on earth I’d use a grill assembled by me. I wondered why we don’t see warnings on TV about these things – forget blowing off your hand with illegal fireworks; what about blowing up your house with a grill?
So, as always, I had to pay Barbecue Ed to come in and check my assembly and rebuild the grill from start to finish.
However, I would think on July 5th I should be able to walk down the street and be able to tell who was a first-time griller, like myself. Maybe see a few guys with singed eyebrows and hypothesize that they have a basic two-burner grill. Guys missing their eyebrows and some hair, I’d guess four-burner, heavy on the BTUs.
As I flipped the burgers like an old pro, and my guests complemented me on the grills chrome finish, I truly felt like Mr. Barbecue. As the night wound down I began to understand why people are so passionate about grilling. Now if I can just get someone to show me how to get the cover on I might be ready for the 6-burner.
