Many have said, you can tell a lot about a person’s character after having joined them for a friendly round of golf. I think I’ve discovered another less traditional way, and after much diligent research, I think I might be onto something.
It might sound crazy, but hear me out:
YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY HOW THEY PICK UP AFTER THEIR DOG.
Working from home, I have toured endlessly around the neighborhood at every hour of the day. Each and every day I see the same people walking their pets and while I don’t think my research will win me a Noble Prize, upon making a few comparisons I have been able to make some interesting observations…
See if they hold true in your neighborhood:
The first clue is always the leash. You have what I call your Circus Baggers. These are the people who have enough plastic newspaper bags tied around their leash to make you wonder if they own a dog or an elephant. Often, you worry before a storm that a gust of wind will propel them into the air down the street. Perhaps a new warning should be added to the bag, along with the old “NOT A TOY, DO NOT PLACE OVER YOUR HEAD.”
How about “TYING EXCESSIVE BAGS TO LEASH MAY RESULT IN YOU AND YOUR POOCH FLYING AWAY”
Traits of the Circus Baggers…
Excessive excitement about the arrival of the newspaper, especially on Sunday, when they know they’ll receive an extra bag with their circulars.
Often have very small dogs with cutsy names that they carry as much as walk.
Others carry enough supplies with them that you are not quite sure if they are walking the dog or are about to set up camp on your front lawn.
The Poop Scene Investigators…
Often, the dog takes a daily liking to my tree, rendering a positive ID: ah yes, the “Poop scene investigators.”
These folks tend to also spend 20 minutes at a time at the scene of the crime, exhaustively removing all evidence. Sometimes I wonder if they might cordon off the area with yellow crime scene tape.
Traits of the Poop Scene Investigator…
Their lawns are perfectly green, manicured like a golf course with no brown spots, because their dog uses YOUR lawn. Often, the dogs are medium-sized with more identification tags around their neck than you carry in your wallet.
The next type is known as the “Singler.” They are identified by the single bag on the leash and after that initial and only bag is gone they can characterized by a mad sprint home, dragging the dog behind them before the unimaginable happens…
Traits of the Singler…
Often leaves tools outside of the house like a lawnmower that runs out of gas and they forgot to get gas, for days. They come to play tennis with one racket, knowing their strings will break and they will ask to borrow one of yours. On the golf course, they show up to play and then realize they don’t have their collared shirt. “Can I borrow one?”
Often have dogs that are larger and quite hyper and have worried looks that seem to say, I hope he remembered to pick up dog food for me…
The next kind is the “poopafakers.” They do exist if you watch carefully. They carry a bag, or in some cases multiple bags on the leash, but here’s the catch: Upon closer examination, the bags either remain on the leash at all times or occasionally if they realize someone is watching, they actually remove the bag from the leash and pretend to pick up before retying the bag to the leash. When I asked my neighbor how he still had a plastic bag attached to his leash that read Hechingers, he knew he was caught.
Traits of a Poopafaker…
Shows up to play tennis and reaches into the bag as if to supply the balls which he realized are still at home. “I will bring next week!” he exclaims, just like last week. On the golf course, you catch him giving his ball a gentle kick out of the rough when he thinks your head is turned.
Finally, the boldest of them all -- the “Renegade Walkers,” the kind who walk their dog with no bags period.
The type who make no effort to clean up, often with the look of, “Are you going to say something to me?”
Traits of the Renegade…
Often has a lawn that is overgrown with no intentions of cutting it.
Often has a huge dog who leaps on whoever walks by.
While playing tennis, often has trouble remembering the correct score and in golf the score card he turns in at the end of the day somehow is not what you remember.
Now if I can only come up with a mathematical formula for my important research… Maybe the Noble Prize is not that far away?
